6 Months Sober. From Dating.

After a recent "break-up" (I can't really call it that considering we were never in a relationship - we only dated for 6 weeks and then he disappeared), I've decided that it's time to take a break from dating for six months...

DATING DETOX.

I have been a hardcore dater for the past six years, sometimes having multiple dates in one night.

I'd meet one guy for coffee at one coffee shop then two hours later meet another guy at another coffee shop and then have dinner with a third guy.  Yup.

The craziest part: They're all guys that I met in the world, at coffee shops, waiting for the train, at the airport, you name it.  I'd meet a fun, nice guy and he'd ask me out.  I haven't even explored online dating.

I kind of became a one-date wonder.  Lots of first dates.  Very few repeats.  Their choice, my choice, just didn't work out.  No hard feelings, no hurt feelings, on to the next one.

So, here I am, in my late 20s, not ready to get married, not willing to be intimate unless I'm in a committed, monogamous relationship and not looking for a free meal.

The question I asked myself: What's the point of dating?

Answer: I'm tapping out.  Temporarily.  

I'm letting go of dating and all that goes with it.  The fancy dinners, the awkward conversations, the 'is he gonna call?', the 'am I gonna call him back?', the 'why did he text that?', the 'did he really ask me out via text?', the 'are we gonna kiss?', the 'is it time for a boob touch', the 'what should I eat on the date?', the 'what should I wear on the date?'...all of it.

I'm letting it all go.

I'm committed to getting to know guys as guys, as humans, as peers, as friends.

It's been about 2 weeks and I've already shared my dating detox scenario to a few unimpressed guys who later asked me, 'Can we still hang out...as friends?'

Absolutely!

Let the non-dating begin!

"Thank God I'm not dating right now!"

"Thank God I'm not dating right now."

Yup, that about sums it up for me at this point in my life.  

I actually said that out loud in my car this afternoon.  There is no way I could be investing my energy in a relationship right now when I am so fully committed to building my dreams.

Emotional energy gives power to thoughts and those thoughts create your reality.  

In other words, the thoughts that you put the most emotional energy into become your world.  

The amount of emotional energy required to build a relationship is the same amount of emotional energy required to build a career, friendship, creative project, or anything else of importance.  

If I'm investing my emotional energy into dating (ex. stressing about what to wear on a date, wondering when or if he's gonna text message me back, figuring out when to move forward with all the sex stuff, deciding if he likes me, deciding if I like him, contemplating if I even want to be in a relationship with him...or anyone, analyzing his words and actions with my friends, etc.), I'm not fully investing in my dreams.

I have no doubt that when the time comes, the desire for partnership, love, romance, relationship (whatever you want to call it) will lead me to shift my priorities.  That time is not today. 

A guy recently invited me to a comedy show as a date, and I told him that I'm not dating right now.  His response, "Can we still hang out as friends?"  My response, "Absolutely."

I haven't heard from him since.  

Another guy started the 'date' conversation, and I told him that I'm not dating.  His response, "So we can just have casual sex without the dates?"  Close.  But, no.

The freedom of knowing that there is no potential romantic relationship for at least 6 months provides an opportunity for honest, candid, thoughtful and fun conversations with guys.  They seem to be opening up to me more than before.

I'm not judging their actions or words or thinking about whether they might be someone I could date.  Just enjoying their company whenever time allows.  What a novel concept.

The funniest part about it to me is the fact that guys are now seeing my goofy, fun, nerdy side.

There aren't any fancy dinners or 'appropriate' conversations or investigation into their true colors. 

One new guy friend has seen me in leggings, sliding around in my awesome, argyle socks on his hardwood floors.  I've even been described as a 'sweet nerd' (in the kind, endearing use of the word - biggest compliment ever).  I don't think there's one guy on the planet that I've gone on a date with that would call me that. 

I usually put my biz casual foot forward on dates...clearly a winning strategy.

Where do you invest your emotional energy?  What thoughts do you infuse with emotional energy?

You're Doing What?!

One of the funniest aspects of this 'Dating Detox' has been the unexpected reaction from girls.

Girls seem to think that taking 6 months off of dating is insane.  For some reason, girls ask me questions about it and are completely confused and upset by this concept.  Examples of the conversations I've been having:

Question: What if you meet 'the one' during your six months off?

Answer: Then he'll enjoy getting to know me as a friend.

Question: What if you miss out on 'the one' by declining an opportunity to go on a date with him?

Answer: Then he wasn't 'the one.'

Question: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!?

Answer: Why not?  I'm not ready to get married and I don't want to add any more notches to my bedpost without being in a committed, monogamous relationship, so, what's the point in dating right now?  Plus, the guys I've been attracting aren't the most loving, emotionally generous, mature guys on the planet.  Probably best to take myself out of the game and put myself on the bench for an inning.

Question: Do you get asked out enough for this to even be an issue?

Answer: Yup.  For some reason, I tend to get asked on dates quite a bit.  It could be that I smile a lot in public and am open to making small talk with guys everywhere I go.  I'm open to meeting new people.  And, no, I'm not offended by your question.

Question: Do you miss dating?

Answer: Nope.  The thought of dating makes me cringe.  In fact, the longer I'm away from it, the less I miss it.  Traditional dating used to seem exciting and fun, but now it seems totally unnatural to me.  I'd love to meet a guy and get to know him without the old school style of dating.

Question: What do you say to guys who ask you out?
Answer: I tell them that I'm not currently dating but would love to get to know them as a friend.  This answer is usually followed up by another series of questions...from guys.

It's incredible to me that this whole journey was triggered by a painful dating situation with one guy who will never know the impact he had on my life.

That boggles my mind.

Just a Boob Squeeze, Please

I'm about 2 weeks into the dating detox.  So far, it's awkward but fun.

I recently hung out with a very handsome male friend.  The most physical contact we had was a high-five, ok, two high-fives.  I might have touched his arm once.

That's about the only physical contact with dudes that is allowed in this detox.

My mind is totally on-board with this concept (like giving up alcohol or sugar or anything else), but my body isn't 100% sure that this is the best idea.

The other night, the dialogue between Mind & Body:

Body: He's really handsome and charming...a little cuddling wouldn't be a bad thing, right?  Cuddling doesn't really count...
Mind: This dating detox is brilliant.  I love high-fives.
Body: Maybe just a bicep squeeze or a really tight hug?  Maybe a lingering hug... please!!
Mind: Intellectual, fun and fulfilling conversation.  That's satisfaction.
Body: Really? Ok. I guess I'll get on-board the boring train. Ugh.

Once in a while it will hit me that I'm consciously choosing to not engage in a dating.

No first kisses, no hand holding, no occasional knee touches while driving, nada.  

And then I'll tell myself that it's only six months.  And then I'll hear, "Six months?!?!"

It's hilarious.  And it's a journey.  Let's do this.

Dick in a Suit

When you take the potential of having sex and/or a relationship out of the equation, you stop making excuses for guys.  You start to see them with a new pair of glasses.  

You see the real person, not this potential 'great boyfriend' image that I try to squeeze guys I date into.

It's like squeezing a rectangle block into a triangle hole.  A simple lesson learned in pre-school.  

I guess I'm just figuring out that it applies to who I want men to be versus who they really are.  The reality doesn't match my fantasy.  Shit.

I've been hanging out with guys, as friends, and I'm discovering that when I date guys, I start to make exceptions and excuses for their behavior.  

"It's ok he didn't call me or text me back, he's just busy with work" or "He doesn't make time to see or talk to his family, he's probably is just really busy with work" or "He didn't call me on my birthday, but it's ok because he took me out the night before to celebrate."

Bullshit.  Bullshit.  Bullshit.  I would NEVER be ok with these acts of dick-ness from friends.

I would call them up and ask what the deal is and let them know that my feelings were hurt.

Fun Fact: A dick in a suit is just a fancy dick.

There's this nonsense double standard when you date and are lookin' for a mate.

Now that I've put dating on the backburner, I can see men as what they are without any physicality confusing my brain.  I don't care what people say, women get just as hooked to the physical part of a relationship as men do.  It clouds our thinking too.

When I take it out of the equation, my thinking is clearer and I get to choose whether I want to invest time and energy into who they are as a person or if they are an energy vampire and not worth the investment.

I've started asking myself questions like:
1) Does he make me smile?
2) Do I feel lighter and happier after I hang out with him?
3) Do I trust him?
4) Is he a good man and a good friend?
5) Does he remember when I have a big event in my life and ask how it went?
6) Does he listen?
7) Does he call me out when I'm being a punk and do I feel comfortable calling him out?

"The more  we love our friends, the less we flatter them; it is by excusing nothing that pure love shows itself." - Moliere

BOOM.  That's what I'm talking about.

So, the next time that a text is ignored or I'm thinking, "that wasn't very cool, dude" I'm going to try to muster the courage to speak up, just as I would with a friend who is a girl.

I'm letting go of guy-pleasing and embracing truth.  This could get messy.

Mind, Body & Spirit... Not Aligned

While making myself a delicious cup of coffee, I thought to myself...

What if a really hot celebrity or the man of my dreams asks me out in the next 5 months?  Would I say yes?

My Body: Hell yes!
My Mind: Not a chance.
My Spirit: You'll know when the opportunity presents itself.

That's not confusing at all...

I find that this happens a lot.  When my mind, body and Spirit are not aligned on decisions.

My intuition is pretty much always 100% on point.  Do I listen to it and obey it 100%?  Not a chance.  

Typically the intuitive response does not include instant gratification or ego stroking (or any type of stroking).  It is the more mature, thoughtful response to people, places and things, which can feel SUPER boring.

Example:
I went on a date with a successful, handsome-ish business guy.  He did everything right.  He picked me up on time.  He made reservations at two restaurants and let me pick which one I liked more.  He opened car doors and real doors.  We were laughing and having great conversation.

This looked and felt like a winner!

As the waiter was coming over, I was reading my menu (a little above a whisper mid-conversation).  You know - like when you kind of talk to yourself about the dishes (Oh, yum.  Cod with butternut squash puree?  Delicious.).

The waiter caught me talking to myself and said, "Oh man!  Are you praying?"

The guy I was on a date with started laughing and said, "No way!  That would be so awkward!  She's definitely not praying."

Now, in this particular situation, I was not praying, so I started laughing too and cracked a joke.  

But little did they know that I pray before every meal.  Not religious style, but more of a spiritual gratitude for the meal and thanking The Universe for blessing the meal and every molecule of my body with love so I can better be love for others.

My intuition was yelling at me:  Run!  This guy is not good for you!  You could never 100% be yourself with him!

I dated him for 2 more months and had my heart broken for the first time.

Yup.  My bad.  I knew and I kept going anyway.

Another example with a different ending:

I was going on a first date a while ago, and my intuition told me in the car on the way there, 'You'll know everything you need to know about this guy on the first date.'

Cool.  Thanks intuition!

What did I find out about him?

Well, he shared that all of his moms (including his real mom and two step moms are all addicts and energy and money vampires to his loving, gentle, super hero awesome dad).  His dad is an angel and the mothers are all crazy energy and money sucking assholes.  Perfect.

Even though this guy is super handsome, super successful, super smart, has fantastic manners (paid for my valet parking and tip) and is buying his first house in Beverly Hills before 30, he would be a DISASTER for me to date.

He hasn't forgiven his moms.  He doesn't respect his moms.  Which, in turn, means he wouldn't respect me.  

I had to learn that the hard way from another ex-boyfriend.  He hated his mom and took it out on me.  Not pretty.

Back to the point.

My intuition was RIGHT!  

Now, if I ignored my intuition, I would have been SMITTEN with this guy, but I knew it was a 'one and done' kind of date.  We're still friends.

I'm becoming more and more trusting of my intuition and growing the willingness to obey it.

Intuition is like the angel on one shoulder while the ego is like the devil on the other shoulder.

May intuition be my guide.

My Baggage

So, I'm about 3 weeks into this Dating Detox, and I had my first HUGE epiphany.

I chose to stay in this weekend and didn't go out on Friday or Saturday night.  That is a big deal for me. 

I am a 100% extrovert.  If you were to Wikipedia 'extrovert', my picture would pop-up doing some crazy interpretive dance pose.  Well, as a result of staying in this weekend, I had some quality time with my family, which is what led to the 'moment of inspiration.'

I explained to my brother that I have only been attracting successful, self-centered, ambitious business men over the past 4 years, with a small blip (dated an ex-model/actor and current animal lover - a really affectionate, yet passive aggressive guy - didn't last long). 

Literally, every guy I've dated (minus the model) has been this private equity, suit-wearing, type guy.

When you ask this type of guy how his week is going, he tells you all about his business success stories of the week.  There's usually no mention of friends, family or their own feelings.  Then they ask me about my upcoming week.  I go ahead and list my agenda, making sure to highlight the 'big' things (aka "ego feeding activities").  I also avoid sharing my feelings about the events, so I'm no better than them. 

Really leading with my biz foot forward, which leaves my soul feeling a whole lotta of empty.

My brother's response to my explanation: "Why do you attract that kind of guy?"

DING DING DING!!!  That's my question!  I've been asking that every day for the past year. 

And then it hit me!  It finally became clear, out of nowhere!  The answer came to me.

My intuition had enough clarity from being sober from dating to hear the answer for the first time.

I attract men who don't ask me to be honest or vulnerable.  

They allow me to maintain my wall, my boundary.  They are self-centered, so they never really ask me how I'm doing and listen to the inflection in my voice or see my body language.  I'm allowed to keep up a false sense of truth with this type of guy...I don't have to be "naked" with them in the emotional sense.  As long as I sound good, look good and can engage in witty banter, it's all good. 

Well, it's not all good with me anymore. 

Until I'm ready to be 'emotionally naked' with a guy, I'm gonna keep attracting guys who allow me to be clothed in 'I'm good.' 

When I'm ready to be honest with a guy, an honest, emotionally-available guy will pop up in my life.  I trust that.

Ugh.  Now I have to be emotionally vulnerable and available with a guy? 

Not for another 5 months!  Woo hoo!!  Lol.  Maybe I'll practice with a guy friend...if those even exist.

Self-discovery comes with baggage.