My Baggage

So, I'm about 3 weeks into this Dating Detox, and I had my first HUGE epiphany.

I chose to stay in this weekend and didn't go out on Friday or Saturday night.  That is a big deal for me. 

I am a 100% extrovert.  If you were to Wikipedia 'extrovert', my picture would pop-up doing some crazy interpretive dance pose.  Well, as a result of staying in this weekend, I had some quality time with my family, which is what led to the 'moment of inspiration.'

I explained to my brother that I have only been attracting successful, self-centered, ambitious business men over the past 4 years, with a small blip (dated an ex-model/actor and current animal lover - a really affectionate, yet passive aggressive guy - didn't last long). 

Literally, every guy I've dated (minus the model) has been this private equity, suit-wearing, type guy.

When you ask this type of guy how his week is going, he tells you all about his business success stories of the week.  There's usually no mention of friends, family or their own feelings.  Then they ask me about my upcoming week.  I go ahead and list my agenda, making sure to highlight the 'big' things (aka "ego feeding activities").  I also avoid sharing my feelings about the events, so I'm no better than them. 

Really leading with my biz foot forward, which leaves my soul feeling a whole lotta of empty.

My brother's response to my explanation: "Why do you attract that kind of guy?"

DING DING DING!!!  That's my question!  I've been asking that every day for the past year. 

And then it hit me!  It finally became clear, out of nowhere!  The answer came to me.

My intuition had enough clarity from being sober from dating to hear the answer for the first time.

I attract men who don't ask me to be honest or vulnerable.  

They allow me to maintain my wall, my boundary.  They are self-centered, so they never really ask me how I'm doing and listen to the inflection in my voice or see my body language.  I'm allowed to keep up a false sense of truth with this type of guy...I don't have to be "naked" with them in the emotional sense.  As long as I sound good, look good and can engage in witty banter, it's all good. 

Well, it's not all good with me anymore. 

Until I'm ready to be 'emotionally naked' with a guy, I'm gonna keep attracting guys who allow me to be clothed in 'I'm good.' 

When I'm ready to be honest with a guy, an honest, emotionally-available guy will pop up in my life.  I trust that.

Ugh.  Now I have to be emotionally vulnerable and available with a guy? 

Not for another 5 months!  Woo hoo!!  Lol.  Maybe I'll practice with a guy friend...if those even exist.

Self-discovery comes with baggage.