Reality Crushed My Fantasy

Even though I'm not dating, I'm still a girl.

And, as a girl, I have the incredible gift of imagination and fantasy.  Women's capacity for imagination is incredible.  We can plan a wedding before the age of 5.  We can visualize an entire relationship within the first 4 seconds of meeting a man.

I imagine that a guy is someone that he's not, just so he can fulfill some fantasy I have of the 'perfect man.'  I'll ignore the truth just so he continues to 'fit the fantasy.'  It sucks, but only when you find out that he sucks...and you can't ignore the truth.

A guy I was spending a lot of time with (the same guy who I would go to his place to write) and I haven't talked ever since I told him I wasn't dating for 6 months and he completely disregarded my feelings.  He said he'd call and didn't.  He said he'd text and didn't.  All bullshit.  Well, I gave up on him and moved on.  He texted recently to say that he hoped all is well, and we emailed a couple times, but that's about the extent of our conversations since he blew me off.

Well, the stars aligned on Saturday.  My friend, Christina, and I were driving home late at night, and all of a sudden my intuition said to go to a bar near my parents' house.  I obeyed and magically there was one parking spot open.  Of course, who was there?!  The guy! (we'll call him "Mark").  It was the first time we'd seen each other in months.  He was warm and kind and gave me a huge hug and told me how much he misses me and kept giving me hugs...very touchy feely.

I'm not gonna lie...it was nice.  And I love his hugs.  And he's hot.  It's was kind of perfect...like a fantasy of what I could imagine reuniting would feel like.

Just when I felt the magic happening...

He told me that he saw my facebook post that I just celebrated 4 years of sobriety from sugar, flour and alcohol.  He told me that he chose not to 'like' it or send me a text or facebook message congratulating me or acknowledging the milestone.  He just 'doesn't do that.'

He then proceeded to tell me...

He saw my best friend/writing partner a few days earlier and sent her a facebook message, so we could 'all hang out.'  He barely knows her!!!  And he could have sent ME a facebook message for us all to hang out!!  F*ing idiot.

NO GUY EVER SENDS A MESSAGE TO A GIRL TO JUST 'HANG OUT.'  ESPECIALLY NOT A HOT, SMART, FUNNY, BLONDE GIRL.

He said he sent her the message 'to be nice' and that she 'isn't his type.'  RIGHT!!!  I'm not an idiot.

It felt like someone punched me in the gut.  This one brought me to my knees emotionally.  The guy who I thought could have been a good friend, who I spent a ton of time with, who seemed like he was into me, and who would joke about dating me, is now trying to f*ck my best friend.  Perfect.

I actually felt sick to my stomach.

I texted her and she sent me his facebook message: "Nice seeing you the other night! Glad my friend convinced me to step out of my pay grade and go to that restaurant. What are your plans for the 4th?"

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  Did he actually think I wouldn't find out what the message said?!?  I'm a GIRL.  And you messaged my BEST FRIEND.  You're a MORON.  Or you JUST DON'T CARE.  Either way, you clearly don't care about my feelings.  She didn't message him back, but for one second, I wondered what would have happened if she did.  Would he pursue her?

So, long story short...I left the bar without saying goodbye.  He, once again, didn't care.  I went to my car, which ended up being parked in front of his car...isn't that f*ing adorable?  The only spot available, and it was in front of his car.  Oh, Universe...you are so silly.

In the safety of my car, with my best friend, whom I love and adore, I sobbed.  Cried and cried.

Reality came and smacked my fantasy in the face with a 2x4.

I couldn't ignore it anymore.  He's self-centered.  He's not thoughtful.  He's not the cool, kind, fun guy I wanted him to be.  He doesn't care about me or my feelings.  It's not that he's a bad guy, it's just that he doesn't currently have the capacity, desire or willingness to care about others' feelings.

The best part: It's all good.  I don't need him to be anything other than who he is.  And I don't have to choose to maintain any type of relationship with him.  I have to stop expecting him and wanting him to be different.  He is who he is, and I acknowledge the truth of the situation.  Doesn't make it easier...

It's painful...and growth always is.

This whole situation made me wonder...
1) How many guys do I have a fantasy version of?
2) How many guys do I imagine to be different or 'better' than they really are?
3) What types of behavior and how many things do I ignore to maintain each fantasy or facade?

It's time to see, hear and accept the truth...and be willing to let people go when they don't align with my joy flow.

Mark texted me the next day to tell me how good it was to see me.  I let him know that messaging my best friend made me uncomfortable and that my friendship with him was weird for me.  He brushed it off...and stopped responding to my text messages.

Another one bites the dust...