Wise words on a Sunday morning...
"The women who I know that have given up sex for a period of time or have taken a break from dating have all gone a little crazy. You've gotta hook up! It's a biological NEED." - Woman on street corner
First question: Why was I talking to a woman I met on a street corner about my sex life?
This is a judge-free zone, so...
We were at the same spiritual function and ended up walking to our cars at the same time. Next thing I know, we're talking about dating in LA... and my sex life. I'm all up for 'random' honest conversation with strangers. It adds a little spice to life with a touch of anonymity and zero commitment to follow-up.
And I'll take inspiration when it comes. Who am I to say that I wouldn't be enlightened in a Santa Monica parking garage on a Sunday morning?
Well, a little background on me in this 'hooking up' department...
I wait to have any kind of sex until the guy and I are in a monogamous relationship and we've both been tested.
Fun Fact: Most guys I've talked to are NOT on-board with this concept.
Honestly, at this point in my life, I don't even like making out until I really know the guy.
Hooking up is just like taking a shot of vodka. Really fun in the moment but leaves you feeling a little f*cked up right after and a little hungover the next day... or wanting more and it's only 9am. (once again, judge-free zone)
I like metaphors. For me, a relationship is like a tree. In order to get the fruits (the fun, delicious, tempting stuff (aka sex, for those of you who don't like metaphors)), the following must happen (in order):
Tree Metaphor:
1) Plant seed (initial attraction, interest)
2) Roots grow (getting to know you, conversations, seeing how someone reacts in various situations)
3) Stem grows (relationship develops, emotionally vulnerable conversation)
4) Branches grow (meeting important people in each other's lives, involving each other in day-to-day life)
5) Fruit appears!! (hooray! Sex)
The deeper and more complex the root system, the taller the tree can grow. In other words, the more you get to know each other without the physical chemistry (which can cloud judgment big time and create a false sense of 'connection'), the more significant the relationship can be.
Friendship and trust first. Sex second.
I totally get that sex is fun. So is getting wasted. But it's only fun in the moment. No one likes waking up with a hangover. I don't think I've ever seen a movie where they show the morning after a one-night stand being THE BEST MORNING EVER. Pretty sure the birds aren't chirping in those scenes. Usually, it's 'how the f*ck do I get out of here without the other person noticing?'
Now, this is where it gets complicated, in my experience.
Most guys won't give me the opportunity to get to know them as a friend without getting to try out the goods.
One dating coach even suggests in his blog that you've gotta give the guy a taste so he'll stay interested.
Now, I totally get that, but if that isn't your truth and that's not how you roll, the DON'T do that.
The more I date, the more I realize that everyone has their own process and their own timeline. It's just that people don't know why they are doing what they're doing and what their truth is.
If you need to makeout on the first date to know if you want to go on a second date, then by all means, do that. And if you're cool with making out and not knowing if he'll call tomorrow, then by all means, do that. But know your truth.
My truth: I don't like hooking up till I have a relationship based in friendship and trust. It's not as much fun for me until I really know the person.
It's true. Sex IS biological. But if you're not comfortable with it, then it ISN'T necessary to establish a relationship based in friendship.
What happened to people having the patience to be friends first?!
Until a guy lets me be his friend and lets me get to know him, I won't be sharing my fruits.
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