YOU Just Want to be Friends?!

'I just want to be friends' is MY line.

And it got thrown back in my face last night by a hot dude.

Eating that line was like eating a big ol' plate of raw kale: Tasted like sh*t.  Hard to swallow.  Yet healthy.  Good ol' humble pie.  Ugh.

I've known this guy for a really long time - like 12yrs.  We became friends the first two years and didn't talk for 10yrs.  Just reconnected this year.  We talked and hung out a lot for the first 2 months and didn't talk at all for the last 6 months.  At least we have a pattern.

We got together last night for the first time in 7 months.  He mentioned wanting to get together a week ago and I threw out a last minute invite to meet up.  It worked out.  We went to my neighborhood, empty Starbucks (I f*ing LOVE Starbucks. This one and I have a lot of history with dating.) and talked and laughed and caught up for two hours.  It was great.

Well, it WAS great until I asked a question...

Why do you want to be friends with me?

I always hear how guys don't want to be friends with girls unless they get to hook up with them or date them.  So, why is this guy spending time with me?  I'm on a bit of an 'honesty kick' right now, no matter how awkward the conversations get.

He answered very thoughtfully.  He likes spending time with me and talking to me and thinks I'm fun.  He enjoys my company.  He doesn't have the time or energy to invest in a relationship.  He doesn't want to date anyone right now.

I listened with a smile on my face, fully engrossed in his words.  Then I paused, took it all in, and...

Wait.  That means he doesn't want to date me.  Excuse me?!

That's not how this is supposed to go!  He's supposed to want to date me and then I say, 'I just want to be friends.'  Nope.  This hot guy doesn't want to date anyone, including me.  Well, sh*t.

That's what that feels like.  Ok.  The ego is a lil' bitch - it doesn't like to get rejected.

Now, the question is...can I be friends with him?

He asked me why I want to be friends with him.  I didn't expect the question to be thrown back in my face.  So, I answered honestly.  'You're smart.  I enjoy talking to you about business.  I'm attracted to you (couldn't look at him while I said that).  You make me nervous (pretty sure my cheeks turned blazing red with embarrassment).  It's hard to be friends with you because you make it hard to trust you - you tend to go missing or unresponsive to text messages. (this is when I emotionally curled up in the fetal position)  I like that we can have chill time together without having to go anywhere.  I have fun with you.

So, that happened.

The conversation was actually the most honest and vulnerable conversation I've had with a guy I'm attracted to in a while.  I just put it out there.  I felt a little 'emotionally naked' afterwards, but I'm really glad I kept it real.

Now, I just have to listen.

He doesn't want a girlfriend (maybe for years).  He doesn't want a girlfriend.  He doesn't want a girlfriend.  He doesn't want to date anyone, including me.

I have to ask myself...

1) Do I want to be friends with him?
2) Can I be friends with him without complicating the friendship with my attraction to him?
3) Can I let him just be a chill friend without adding the weight of liking him to the friendship?

I saw him today and was so nervous that my hand was shaking.  That's not like me to be nervous with a guy!

So far, I'd have to say the answer to those questions is...no.

It is all to be determined...