Sexy Time

Not gonna lie.  I miss the physical intimacy (hugging, holding hands, kissing, cuddling) of dating.

I'm pretty prude, so that simple stuff is exciting and fun for me.

The physical part of dating (all the sex stuff) really stresses me out.  I love all of the physical stuff once I'm in a committed relationship.

But during the dating phase, I never know when it's time for a boob touch or heavy petting or going back to his place.  Basically, I never know when it's time to head to the next base.

I usually feel like a big tease, because I take things really slowly.  It's a no-win situation.

I'm all about being in a monogamous relationship and both getting tested before any type of sex happens.  Guys say they're cool with it, until it's time to head to the next base, and I have to make a gentle reminder that it isn't gonna happen.

Awkward every time.

So, this 'non-dating' journey is a bit of a relief for me right now in that department.

I get a chance to get to know guys without wondering what number date we're on and what sexual situation is expected.  There seems to be a direct correlation between what # date we're on and the level of sexual expectations.

What is it about date #3 that says it's 'sexy time'?!

Drama Dudes

It's incredible.  

Now that I've made a conscious choice to let go of drama guys, I'm more able to see how the drama has played out in my life.

It's also gotten a lot more boring.

Without the 'Is he gonna call me?", "Is he gonna text me?", "Why hasn't he texted me back?", "Are we going out tonight?", "Does he really like me or is he trying to play me?" type of energy, I find myself kinda, well, bored.

But it's a healthy bored.  It's a conscious choice for peace of mind.  

Just like when I gave up alcohol, I made a conscious choice for peace.

I let go of the drama that alcohol brought into my life.  I decided that I wanted to focus my energy on being a more grounded, thoughtful, other-centered human.

It also led to things being a bit more, well, boring...at first.  Then, after a bit of time, you realize how much more full your life is when you can invest your emotional energy in fulfilling, incredible people and life events.  You can be present...all the time.

Not worried about the 'next day demons' from drinking the night before.  The "Did I say something stupid?", "Where's my purse?", "Why is there a guy named 'Steve Underground Bar' in my phone?" crazy thoughts that take up your entire week trying to unfold till you drink again on Friday night.

Ugh.  That sh*t is exhausting.  Just like these men.

For now, it will feel a little less 'exciting' (like sticking your finger in an electric socket), but I know that with time, the choice of peace will bring a loving, kind, gentle, thoughtful, stable, trustworthy man (or men) that will be more fun than I could ever imagine.

Trust.  And be patient.  

But...He Really is a Great Guy...Really...Kind of.

Oh man.  I did it again.

I started making excuses for a guy, and I didn't even have to date him to have to make excuses for him.  He's just a friend and here I am, justifying his behavior.  It's such a seamless pattern...

Action: He doesn't text back for 12 hours.  

Justification: He's probably just busy.

Action: You call him and he doesn't call back.  He text messages you 8 hours later.

Justification: He called, right?  That counts.

Action: You tell him that his lack of responsiveness doesn't feel good.  He responds that he treats everyone that way and just forgets to get back to people.

Justification: He's really fun to spend time with when I'm with him. 

Yup.  That's how it went.

It all came to a crashing halt when I told him that the way he disregarded me didn't feel good.  He dismissed my feelings and has yet to call me back or text me in 3 days.

I feel like a jackass even sharing this story.  It makes me look like an idiot, when I think of myself as a confident, smart woman, but it's the truth.

I was telling this story to my 'circle of trust' friends and caught myself justifying his behavior.  When my 'circle of trust' confronted me with how disrespectful and self-centered his behavior really is, I then became defensive.  

Shit.  Not good.  I know this pattern.  

It's the same pattern I got into with the last successful, ambitious business guy I dated...

BUT I'M NOT EVEN DATING THIS ONE.  

There's a great 'parable' that I heard a few years ago...

A guy walks the same way to work everyday.  One day, there's a hole in the sidewalk and he falls in.  He vows to never fall in that hole again.  The next day, he falls in the hole again, this time spraining his ankle.  He vows to never fall in the hole again, and this time complains to everyone about the hole.  The next day, falls in the hole again, this time breaking his ankle.  Every time, he gets more hurt and more angry and confused.  Finally, the next day, right before he falls in the hole, he pauses, sees the hole and turns left.  

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  - Einstein

On Tuesday, I turned left.  I'm choosing something different.  

I'm choosing to give my time to loving, kind, generous, thoughtful, inspiring people (men and women).

I don't exactly know what the journey looks like when I turn left, but I'm willing to find out.  

I made a similar decision about 3 years ago with my female friends, and incredible women have entered my life.  They continue to ask me to be a better woman and push me to love and be loved and be emotionally vulnerable.

I'm now ready to accept those kinds of relationships with men.

Universe, let's do this.

Shit.  Now that means I've gotta be honest, open and emotionally vulnerable with guys?  

It's gotta be better than what I'm doing now.  What I've been choosing feels like running full force into a 3 foot wide brick wall.  The same brick wall.  Over and over.  

All I have to do is walk around it.  

One Month: Still Single

I had my one-month Dating Detox anniversary on Tuesday, May 1st!!!  Woo hoo!!

That night, I was asked out by a very kind guy at a jazz bar I went to with some friends.  I explained my dating detox, and I'm pretty sure he thought I was full of shit.  It would be a pretty elaborate lie to avoid a date.  But, I guess it does seem a bit bizarre.

What woman chooses to not date for 6 months?

I've even thought about giving up.  I thought to myself, "I get it now.  I've had a couple epiphanies.  I'm good.  Let's get back in the game."

It's the same bullshit that pops up when I let go of a bad relationship, unhealthy friendships, sugar, flour and alcohol.

Crazy Thinking: 
Well, I haven't eaten pizza in three weeks...one piece is fine.

Well, I haven't called him in a week...it's fine to just text, 'hello.'

Well, I haven't had a drink in 30 days...I think I get it now.  I'm ok.  Just one beer.

THANK GOD I haven't gone back to sugar, flour, alcohol or those relationships.  My sobriety from those substances (and relationships) is only by the grace of God.

Dating for me, right now, is the same journey.

I enjoy the attention of dating.  I enjoy attention from men.  I admit it.  I realized that I especially enjoy attention from men that get a lot of attention from other women.  It's a little ego boost for me.

It's embarrassing to admit that, but it's the truth.

But now I see the error of my ways.  That type of guy is the same guy that give attention to all those girls.  Superficial attention.  And I'm over it.

Attention is a momentary high, a dangerous drug.  It feels good for a minute, maybe two, and then leaves you empty.

And now, when I'm out with my friends, there's no point in picking out the guy at the bar that intrigues me.  Instead, I'm going to be fully present with my friends.

I'm letting my soul attract good people.

No Mo' Drama

Rounding out the first week of my second month of the Dating Detox, I realized that...

I have been choosing guys that ADD DRAMA to my life.  

I've been picking guys that aren't sure they're ready for a relationship.  They string me along, deciding whether they're ready and want to be with me, all while getting me invested in them emotionally.  Let me explain.

In the beginning:

1) They start out GREAT - super invested and gung-ho and ready to date.

2) They're in the moment, fun, thoughtful, courteous, generous and totally into dating. 

3) They say they're cool with waiting to sleep with me. 

4) They say they're cool with me not drinking.  

Then they start pulling things like:

1) They don't text me back for 5 hours.

2) They stop asking me out a few days in advance to make sure my schedule is open.  They start to be 'last minute' guys.

3) They don't call as much as they used to between dates.

4) They go missing.

This all makes me CRAZY!!! 

This inconsistent behavior is super inconsiderate and I've just been eating it up.

The second it starts, I recognize it, but then I choose to continue to engage in it.  It would be easy to let these guys go.

The problem is that they stick around just enough to make me still believe there's a chance and that they're still into me. 

For example: A 'successful, ambitious, driven business guy' I was dating was SO AWESOME when we started seeing each other (let's call him 'he who shall not be named' - like Voldemort).  He was a total gentleman: Asking about my schedule at the beginning of the week, scheduling dates in advance, texting me in-between dates, calling me to talk when he was on business trips or at home after a long day, inviting me into his life, being patient with physical intimacy, laughing together - our senses of humor matched, talking about big, important, intellectual stuff, having a blast when we were together.

He was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.  He introduced me to his best friends and his sister.  He said things were moving towards a relationship and that he doesn't date girls the way he was dating me.  It was f-ing awesome.

Then shit started to get weird.  

He stopped calling between dates.  He stopped texting me back regularly...or at all.  He stopped asking me out in advance.  He didn't even confirm if he was taking me out for my birthday.  He didn't take me back to his place to makeout after dates.  He didn't make plans with me for Valentine's Day, but also didn't tell me that we didn't have plans for Valentine's Day, so he left me hanging.

On Valentine's Day, he texted me, "Happy VDay, Kdub."  Who the f*#@ is KDUB?!?!  He never called me that before.

It broke my heart.  

All the drama and inconsistency and lack of consideration for my feelings made me so sad and so crazy.  I cried...a lot.

And I'm not a girl who cries over guys...ever.  

This one really f'd me up.  Thank God I didn't sleep with him.  Just making out and heavy petting (and barely even that).  The emotional crazy-making was insane enough.

BUT NOT NO MO'.

I'm tapping out of the drama.  I'm choosing something different.

I'm choosing peace, joy, stability, love, consistency, dependability and trust.  

Those crazy-making, 'not sure what they want but will drag you through the mud while they figure it out' dudes are not worth the energy.   

Trust me.  

Side note: One of these guys just texted me.  His nickname in my phone is: "Let Go 2."  It's a reminder to let go of this lame-ass pattern of behavior and choose something better.  And it's funny.   :)

MANners

I was at a guy-friend's house recently.  I was writing in his TV room, while he was working in his office.

As I was writing, the TV un-paused and the musical sensation, SMASH, started playing in full-force.

Not ideal for my writing chi.  

No offense to Smash.  It's a great show, and Katherine McPhee is ridiculously talented, but it doesn't help me write my character bios for my action/suspense feature film.

Well, this wouldn't be an issue, except for the fact that this friend has a super fancy TV system.  The whole house is wired to a control panel in a closet.

Basically, you can just think about what you want the lights to do, and the system can read your mind, start playing your favorite song, cook you a pizza, jack you off and dim the lights to give you the proper mood-lighting for the 'experience'.

So, I had no f'ing clue how to turn the TV off.  It was a computer system, and I'm not the most technologically inclined (female stereotype that I live up to...100%).

I went into his office and asked him to help me turn the TV off.

His response: "You're a smart girl.  You can figure it out."  And went back to working.

My response (in my head): Dick.

I looked at him like he fell out of a tree: Are you f'ing serious?  Are you really that inconsiderate?  Wait, was that a compliment?

After standing there in shock for a moment, I left the office and went to mess around with the control tower.  I didn't figure it out.

He came over and realized that it wasn't as simple as it seemed.  I couldn't just pause it.

I left his place that night knowing that this was a huge wake-up call in the making.

After that experience, my car got a serious flat tire.  My dad and brother were in the neighborhood and came to my rescue.  My dad said it was cool to drive the car home, so I did.  Not a good life decision, and I should have realized he's not mechanically inclined.  My brother, on the other hand, is a genius at mechanical and man stuff (cars, electronics, building things, fixing things, etc.).

I barely made it home.  In fact, I didn't.  I had to pull over at the top of the street because the tire had basically ripped off.

My brother took care of it, and my dad did the huge job of placing a wedge in front of the other tire.

At the end of the debacle, my dad passed me a wrench-looking tool and said in a condescending voice, "Ok, now it's your turn to help."

And then the epiphany came crashing in on me!  He's why I attract these type of guys!!

It comes down to this:  I WANT A GUY WHO LETS ME BE A LADY.

I don't want to be a technological genius.  I don't need to be a mechanic and get my hands dirty changing a tire.  I want to be a lady.

My dream scenario (for the TV situation): My friend listens to me, looks at me, smiles, comes over to me, gives me a hug, kisses me on the forehead and says "I got you."

And then take care of me and the TV.

I want a man.  Not a man who wants me to be a man.

Big Ol' Dicks

Since the Dating Detox began, I've encountered all types of men and have been asked out by all types of men.

Some are kind, and some are big ol' dicks.

I will share a few text conversations with you. (names have been changed for anonymity)

Text Conversation 1:
Matt: You're awesome. I'd just like to see ya again!
Me: Lol! You should come to one of our stand-up comedy shows.
Matt: If you go on a date with me, deal ;)
Me: To be honest, I'm in the middle of a 6-month dating detox. I'm back in the 'dating world' in Oct. I'm focusing on friendship right now.
Matt: That's a total bummer! But I totally respect and understand.

Haven't heard from him since.

Text Conversation 2:
Will: Any interest in seeing Ted with me?
Me: Depends...is it a date? I'm 1/2 way into a Dating Detox. Only if it's as friends.
Will: Ha not a date anymore.
Me: Lol. Still down to hang out.
Will: Ha I wasn't asking you on a date! But you certainly think highly of yourself.

(this is where I should have stopped responding...but I was intrigued by his dickhead text messages)

Me: I didn't assume - that's why I asked :) It has nothing to do with ego.
Will: I think highly of you too, don't worry. And I'm sorry to hear your dating life has demanded a hiatus at such a young age.
Me: It's funny you see it as a negative choice. Have you ever given something up for a period of time to gain greater clarity?
Will: Like sex? No. I gave up alcohol once. Giving up alcohol helped me.

Haven't heard from him since.

Turns out he's addicted to sex and alcohol.  Right.  That was all discovered in a brief text message convo that would have taken at least 3 dates and a makeout session to figure out.

Facebook Chat Convo (fb is basically a dating site now): 
Tyler: I was thinking that maybe we could meet up sometime this week near our 'hoods and get coffee or somethin'. What do yah think?

(I love the effort with the apostrophes, autocorrect changes those.)

Me: That would be great but I want to be straightforward and honest with intentions.  I'm on a 6 month dating detox, but I'd be happy to meet as friends :)
Tyler: That's fine, there's nothing wrong with a dating detox.

Haven't heard from him since.

If you're noticing a pattern, it's because there is one.

Guys only contact girls for sex.  Not to be friends or to 'get to know you.'  They don't let you know that upfront, but that is their intention.

How do guys expect you to want to date them or have sex with them if they don't want to invest time in being friends first?

Or maybe I'm wrong about this...

Were We on a Date?

What is a date?

Definition: When the intentions of both parties are to have sex, it's a date.

This has been an essential piece of the puzzle for me during this Dating Detox, and most of the time the intentions of both parties are not made clear.

A guy, who I thought was a friend, and I went out for a couple meals.  We met at the restaurant for a lunch and a dinner and then I asked him to pick me up for a dinner, because my house way on the way to the restaurant.  At the end of each meal, I pulled out my wallet, but he then offered to pay, and I let him.

Is that a date?!  Shit.  

I was hanging out at his apartment a lot.  I was writing while he was working.  He never tried to kiss me or even have a long, lingering hug.

I think the most sexual contact we had was a high-five or a brief 'pelvises not touching' hug.

One night, we were having a convo about dating.

Guy: Is what we're doing dating?
Me: (nervous) If I didn't know it was a date, it wasn't a date.

Awkward silence.

He then made some jokes about the fact that we are gonna date once my Dating Detox was over.  He suggested that he wasn't convinced I'd be able to hold out that long with the temptation of his presence.  He even suggested that he needed an extra month to prepare me to date him.

I'm not gonna lie... I'm super attracted to him, so his joking about dating was super weird for me.  

Are we building a friendship or is he manipulating me?

I'm not innocent when it comes to intentions.

This Dating Detox has been an excuse for me to get to know guys without the risk of them wanting sex.  I need a long time to get to know a guy and trust a guy before I'm willing to date them or hook up with them.

I'm a 'slow developer' when it comes to physicality in a relationship.  What if my intentions are to have sex with them at some point, but not for a really long time?

My friend asked me how many times guys have 'taken me out' for meals or coffee since I started the detox.

It's true.  I've gone out with guys for meals and coffee, always with the intention of paying my own way and being upfront with them that I'm not dating, and they payed anyway.  They are true gentlemen.

Do they just have really good manners or are they trying to f*ck me?

Would a true Dating Detox be no in-person contact with men one-on-one?  

Are good manners confused as flirting?  Do good manners automatically mean a guy wants to f*ck you?

Was that a date?

Traditional Dating is Stupid

Now that I've been off of dating for a while, I realized that...

Traditional Dating is Stupid.

Traditional Dating: 
1) Man is interested in woman.
2) Man calls woman and asks her at least 3 days in advance to take her to a fancy dinner on a Friday or Saturday night.
3) Woman accepts.
4) Woman spends the next 4 days on the phone with her friends picking out the perfect outfit, getting her whole body waxed, buying all new makeup, buying a new pair of shoes, getting a mani/pedi and planning their wedding.
5) Man calls her the day before confirming the day/time of the date and her address.
6) Man shows up exactly on time.
7) Man walks up to her door, rings the doorbell, gives her flowers, a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
8) Man tells woman she looks beautiful and is looking forward to tonight.
9) Man opens car door.  Man closes car door.
10) Arrive at restaurant.  Man opens her car door (and every other door between the car and their table at the restaurant where he made reservations days before).
11) Enjoy stilted / appropriate conversation (only telling each other the highlights and best things about themselves).  Smiling a lot.  Not drinking too much.  Ordering 'appropriate' food in 'appropriate' quantities.  Woman orders a steak to impress the man.
12) Man pays for meal, no questions asked.
13) Man drives woman home.  Opens her car doors. Walks her to her door.  Tells her she is beautiful, that he had a great time and would love to see her again.  They kiss.

WHAT?!?!??!?!??!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?  Why does dinner mean you have a makeout session?!?!  

Where is that agreement made?  During the shrimp cocktail appetizer?  

How does a two hour meal and two 15 minute drives to and from home lead to physical intimacy?  You have known this person for 2.5 hours!

I've determined that I'm over Traditional Dating.  Traditional Dating is purely a night time activity (and we all know that weird shit only happens at night - horror stories, gambling and sex only happen at night).

Traditional Dating: Dinner and hooking up.  How does 'dinner and sex' once a week provide an opportunity to develop trust and emotional intimacy?

I'm movin' on.  I want day dates.  Dates during the day time.  Way less expectation for sex or even making out.  An actual opportunity to get to know each other.

There is one guy I dated for almost 2 months who I never saw during the day.  To this day, I still have not seen him during daylight hours.  He might be a vampire.  I wonder if his skin sparkles...

Dating him was just dinner and hooking up (we didn't even get past heavy petting, because it takes forever to get in my pants, and a few long dinners aren't going to get there).

I used to LOVE Traditional Dating and would demand it.

I thought it was so romantic, sexy and old school.

The longer I'm away from it, the more I realize it is old school.  It's fake.  The hair, the clothes, the makeup, the high heels, the suits, the fancy dinners, the 'appropriate' conversation, the isolation.  It's all lies.

I'm now convinced that... Traditional dating is stupid.

Reality Crushed My Fantasy

Even though I'm not dating, I'm still a girl.

And, as a girl, I have the incredible gift of imagination and fantasy.  Women's capacity for imagination is incredible.  We can plan a wedding before the age of 5.  We can visualize an entire relationship within the first 4 seconds of meeting a man.

I imagine that a guy is someone that he's not, just so he can fulfill some fantasy I have of the 'perfect man.'  I'll ignore the truth just so he continues to 'fit the fantasy.'  It sucks, but only when you find out that he sucks...and you can't ignore the truth.

A guy I was spending a lot of time with (the same guy who I would go to his place to write) and I haven't talked ever since I told him I wasn't dating for 6 months and he completely disregarded my feelings.  He said he'd call and didn't.  He said he'd text and didn't.  All bullshit.  Well, I gave up on him and moved on.  He texted recently to say that he hoped all is well, and we emailed a couple times, but that's about the extent of our conversations since he blew me off.

Well, the stars aligned on Saturday.  My friend, Christina, and I were driving home late at night, and all of a sudden my intuition said to go to a bar near my parents' house.  I obeyed and magically there was one parking spot open.  Of course, who was there?!  The guy! (we'll call him "Mark").  It was the first time we'd seen each other in months.  He was warm and kind and gave me a huge hug and told me how much he misses me and kept giving me hugs...very touchy feely.

I'm not gonna lie...it was nice.  And I love his hugs.  And he's hot.  It's was kind of perfect...like a fantasy of what I could imagine reuniting would feel like.

Just when I felt the magic happening...

He told me that he saw my facebook post that I just celebrated 4 years of sobriety from sugar, flour and alcohol.  He told me that he chose not to 'like' it or send me a text or facebook message congratulating me or acknowledging the milestone.  He just 'doesn't do that.'

He then proceeded to tell me...

He saw my best friend/writing partner a few days earlier and sent her a facebook message, so we could 'all hang out.'  He barely knows her!!!  And he could have sent ME a facebook message for us all to hang out!!  F*ing idiot.

NO GUY EVER SENDS A MESSAGE TO A GIRL TO JUST 'HANG OUT.'  ESPECIALLY NOT A HOT, SMART, FUNNY, BLONDE GIRL.

He said he sent her the message 'to be nice' and that she 'isn't his type.'  RIGHT!!!  I'm not an idiot.

It felt like someone punched me in the gut.  This one brought me to my knees emotionally.  The guy who I thought could have been a good friend, who I spent a ton of time with, who seemed like he was into me, and who would joke about dating me, is now trying to f*ck my best friend.  Perfect.

I actually felt sick to my stomach.

I texted her and she sent me his facebook message: "Nice seeing you the other night! Glad my friend convinced me to step out of my pay grade and go to that restaurant. What are your plans for the 4th?"

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  Did he actually think I wouldn't find out what the message said?!?  I'm a GIRL.  And you messaged my BEST FRIEND.  You're a MORON.  Or you JUST DON'T CARE.  Either way, you clearly don't care about my feelings.  She didn't message him back, but for one second, I wondered what would have happened if she did.  Would he pursue her?

So, long story short...I left the bar without saying goodbye.  He, once again, didn't care.  I went to my car, which ended up being parked in front of his car...isn't that f*ing adorable?  The only spot available, and it was in front of his car.  Oh, Universe...you are so silly.

In the safety of my car, with my best friend, whom I love and adore, I sobbed.  Cried and cried.

Reality came and smacked my fantasy in the face with a 2x4.

I couldn't ignore it anymore.  He's self-centered.  He's not thoughtful.  He's not the cool, kind, fun guy I wanted him to be.  He doesn't care about me or my feelings.  It's not that he's a bad guy, it's just that he doesn't currently have the capacity, desire or willingness to care about others' feelings.

The best part: It's all good.  I don't need him to be anything other than who he is.  And I don't have to choose to maintain any type of relationship with him.  I have to stop expecting him and wanting him to be different.  He is who he is, and I acknowledge the truth of the situation.  Doesn't make it easier...

It's painful...and growth always is.

This whole situation made me wonder...
1) How many guys do I have a fantasy version of?
2) How many guys do I imagine to be different or 'better' than they really are?
3) What types of behavior and how many things do I ignore to maintain each fantasy or facade?

It's time to see, hear and accept the truth...and be willing to let people go when they don't align with my joy flow.

Mark texted me the next day to tell me how good it was to see me.  I let him know that messaging my best friend made me uncomfortable and that my friendship with him was weird for me.  He brushed it off...and stopped responding to my text messages.

Another one bites the dust...

Love Lessons from House Hunters International

I LOVE HOUSE HUNTERS INTERNATIONAL.  Brilliant TV show.

I've learned so much about: 1) couple dynamics; 2) relationships; 3) everyone wants an open floor plan, granite countertops and stainless steel appliances.

As I crossed the 1/2 way mark of this Dating Detox, I had a HUGE discovery (unexpectedly triggered by watching House Hunters International).

Love Lesson: I don't know what's best for me, especially in the realm of love.

Whenever I have a crush on a guy, I can almost guarantee it's not going to happen.  That's not how love works.

Almost every single House Hunters International love story goes like this: 
1) A guy is smitten with a girl.  She's not interested.  He's not 'her type.'
2) He pursues her.  She says no a bunch of times.
3) He remains hopeful and persistent and keeps asking her out.
4) She finally agrees to a date.
5) She discovers that he's a great guy.
6) They get married.  They move to a foreign country to have an 'adventure' together.  OR They buy a second home in a foreign country and live happily ever after.

It's a tale as old as time.

When a woman wants a man, it goes against biological programming.  The woman is not born to be a hunter.  And women are incredible at making shit up as to who a guy is in comparison to who he really is.

Women aren't good at picking a mate.  We're good at letting the right mate pick us.

I hate to say that as an independent, smart, capable, business-minded woman, but the more research I do, the more apparent it is.  Just like in nature, the fancy male bird picks a female bird, dances around for her, throws his bright-colored feathers around for her, tries to impress her.  She says 'yes' and they mate.  That's it.  She doesn't go from 'guy bird' to 'guy bird' hoping each one likes her.  That's not Nature.

Every time I see a guy that I'm attracted to, I pause and remember that I'm not good at picking a mate.  As a woman, my capacity for fantasy exceeds my capacity for acknowledging reality, especially in world of love.  That's how we're programmed.

I just gotta wait for that 'male bird' to be patient and persistent, dance for me, try to impress me and make me say 'yes' to going on a non-traditional date with him.

Until then, I get to fully love and live my life, free from crushes and dating drama.

Free as a 'lady bird.'

Mean Guys Can Look Good

Some mean guys look really good.

Just because this happened, I have to post it.  I guess I was attracting successful, handsome, dicks that never hear 'no'.  Here's another one!

Guy: Grab coffee with me.
Me: So you know im not dating, yet you want to grab coffee? You want to be friends?
Guy: Yea but I would like to eventually date.
Me: Just wanted to be clear on your intentions. Guys have been kinda mean.
Guy: I wanna be kinda nice. Sushi?
Me: Not a sushi eater...and not dating.
Guy: Let's just go on a date. Who cares?
Me: Glad you respect my detox.
Guy: I just have a goood feeling.
Me: Good enough to last till Oct 1.
Guy: You will forget about me.
Me: Oct 1.
Guy: Fine you call me.
Me: Nope.
Guy: Promise I will be the first?
Me: Nope.
Guy: Fuck that.

My response back could have been: "Fuck that."  But I decided he wasn't worth one line of dialogue or one more finger stroke (or any type of stroke).

I'm pretty sure that he started the conversation with, "I wanna be kinda nice."  Yup.  Fail.  All it took is one short conversation and me saying 'no' twice.  

This conversation and personality trait would have been masked in fancy dinners and appropriate conversations for at least 3 dates, a makeout session and maybe a boob touch.  A lot of wasted time and energy on a guy that would eventually say, "Fuck that."

Thank you Dating Detox.

Gettin' Weird

I've been on the Dating Detox for 5 months, and I'm getting a little 'lonely.'  Not even a lingering hug for 5 months.

I'm not gonna pretend like I was getting ass before that.

It is a hero's journey to get ass from me.

It takes a lot of time, energy, conversations, trust, monogamy and STD tests.  I'm tired just thinking about it.  I was reminded by a guy friend that it's really hard on the guy.  Yeah, I know.  It's not a picnic for me either.

I've even run out of 'fantasy' material.  Thinking about hooking up with exes makes me cringe.  I got nothin'.

I was hoping to book an acting role that would allow me to 'get weird' and have a makeout session.  The sitcom pilot, the comedy sketches and the feature film I booked didn't allow for any romantic scenarios.  NOTHING.

I told the director of the film that a 'romance' between two characters would really add to the dynamic of the story.

He disagreed.

I was getting desperate.  I wrote a comedy sketch where one character gets a hardcore makeout session, but we cast someone else for the role.  I just got to watch.  Perfect.

So, I've been catching myself checking out guys...everywhere.  

I almost got into a car accident checking out a guy at a red light.  I saw a couple guys with their shirts off walking down the street only to find out that they were 18 (I hope).

And I checked out a tan, lean, shirtless homeless guy.  Not proud of that moment.  But it happened.

The funniest part about it is that checking guys out is almost biological.  

It's not like I'm gonna go hump one of them (though I was tempted to run up to an 18 year old and start dry humping his leg).  It's not like I'm gonna go up and ask any of these guys out.  I still have a month of detox to go, and I wouldn't approach these guys even if I WAS on the prowl.  The instinct to check out a guy is bizarre.  I'm gonna keep doing it, because biologically, I have to, but it's an empty desire.

Every time I check out a guy now, I say to myself, "Just because he's hot, doesn't mean he's a good guy.  Let the Universe pick the guy for you.  Go back to your business."

And then I pout, turn away and go back to my biz-ness.

Dating is Cray Cray

I thought that by giving up dating, I'd want to date again.

I don't.

When I go out to dinner with friends or my family, I see couples on dates, and I cringe.  It looks miserable.  I try to guess which date they're on.

First date: They have 100% small talk and the girl is always smiling.
Second date: A bit more flirtatious with an intimate touch, maybe a hand or the small of the back as she walks by.
Third date: Why bother eating dinner?  They're gonna f*ck.

Dating is cray cray.

The dressing up, the awkwardness, the small talk, the trying to fit all my stuff from my day-to-day purse into a tiny clutch purse (so he doesn't think I carry around a duffel bag, which I do, when I'm not on a date).  And for me, the restaurant pick is also tricky.  I eat chicken, fish or steak and vegetables...a shit ton of vegetables.  I order extra sides of vegetables.  It can get aggressive, especially if roasted root vegetables, turnips, brussel sprouts or mushrooms are on the menu.  Veggies = Game time.  It can be off-putting for a guy to see me order 2 extra sides of vegetables.  For me, it's hilarious and delicious.

I can't really imagine going back to dating.  I don't like it.  I don't even like watching it. 

I read a stupid amount of articles and blogs about dating and relationships.  I guess you could call me a 'dating seeker.'  All dating scripture is directed towards women.  They explain what women should say, shouldn't say, 'why he disappeared', how to be a good listener, how to not be who you really are, how to lie so he falls in love with you and puts a ring on it so you can then show him who you really are but it's too late for him to back out, and on and on.

What it comes down to is this: When it's right, it's right.  

You're heels, tiny purse, listening skills, lies, Spanx, new lip gloss, wine knowledge and ability to giggle are not gonna get you to be in a relationship with the right guy.  They'll get you your first husband, maybe, but it won't be love.  Love is what happens in-between all that shit.

You're gonna be on dates with a lot of douches who talk a big game and a lot of nice guys who you don't want to f*ck.  And you'll probably encounter a combo pack of both.

It all comes down to the fact that dating has a 1% success rate (unless you get married 5 times - if you live in LA, this side note probably applies to you).

Women need stuff explained.  They can't just accept what is.  Why didn't it work out?  Why didn't he call?  Why did he disappear?  Why didn't he imagine the same wedding on a cliff in Malibu as I did?  Didn't he notice I wore the red dress for him?  Why did he dump me for an idiot?  Does he like blondes?  Why, why, why?

WHO THE F*CK CARES!!!  It didn't work out.  Let go and move on.  Dating is mostly rejection.

Rejection is the Universe's protection.  Be grateful.  It's all preparation for the right one.

I read a quote: Patience is the active acceptance of present circumstances, not just passive waiting.

Be patient.  Enjoy being single - you don't have to compromise or ask permission.  That's a gift in and of itself - and it won't be that way forever.

Side note: By the way, this advice that I'm giving is actually to myself...it's not for all for you.  They usually say the advice you give is the advice you need to take.  Shit.  I guess that applies to me too.  I just got a dose of my own medicine.

Not as delicious as roasted turnips, but I'll take it.

Guy Friends AREN'T Guy Friends? Shit.

I made it!  I completed the 6 month Dating Detox!  

I have to say, life isn't that much different now that the Dating Detox is over.  Now I just don't have a good excuse to decline dates anymore.  I did learn a couple of things...

Lessons Learned:

1) Dating is cray.

2) I don't want to date (traditional style, with dinner and hooking up).

3) Guys who usually get what they want (handsome, ego-centric, financially successful, charming) don't like to hear 'no' and can be quite mean when you decline their requests.

4) I absolutely have to be friends with someone before I consider being in a romantic relationship with them.

5) I'm not looking for love. I'm fully enjoying my life and am not ready to be emotionally available or vulnerable with someone.  I'm not ready or willing to invest the time and energy required to build a relationship at this point in my life.

6) Most guy friends aren't actually guy friends.

7) It's not about what a guy says, it's about what he does.  What does his behavior tell you?

8) Guys are pretty straightforward.  I think that women just ignore what they don't want to hear or see. (makes it easier to keep the fantasy of who they want the guy to be)

9) I'm an alpha female.  I've gotta be with a beta male.  (The workaholic, Type A dudes don't work for me.)

10) Texting is a really tricky form of getting to know someone.  Must be used with care.

Letting go of dating really helped me realize that dating doesn't work for me.  I need to get to know someone casually and over an extended period of time before getting physical.  Physicality really confuses things for me...it clouds my judgement.  Even holding hands, kissing, all of it - it confuses the truth of whether there is a connection emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.  You can't know someone well enough in a month or two to commit to a relationship with them, especially if you get together once a week.  It takes time, patience and friendship.

I also realized that there are a few things that I'm not willing to compromise (which I have compromised in the past, because he was smart or cute or charming or...). 

For me, a man must have some concept of a power greater than himself and a feeling of purpose within the greater Universe, a way to be of service to others.  A man must be happy.  A man must be nice, affectionate and thoughtful.

I'm done with the 'accidentally inconsiderate' and passive aggressive bullsh*t.  I pay way more attention now to how I feel when I'm around guys.  It's not about who I want them to be, but about who they are today.

I don't pretend anymore.  I don't like sports.  I don't drink.  I don't want to kiss you after knowing you for 2 hours.

I love my friends.  I love my family.  I love my life.

Gotta stay in my joy flow.  :)

Crush Fail

It's been over a month since I re-inserted myself into the Dating Matrix.

I have avoided every date that's come my way.  Or the Universe has had my back 100% and provided awesome opportunities for either the guy or me to cancel with no reschedule.  Thank God!

I have become such a pussy when it comes to dating.  I just can't get myself to do it.

There's a guy I met out at a friend's show (lots of those when you live in LA...someone always has a performance of some kind), and we had seen each other before on a couple of occasions (he had a girlfriend at the time).  I didn't think much of him in the dating respect, due to the fact he was taken, but when we ran into each other at the comedy show, he was single...and really sweet.

We kept in touch on facebook and he invited me out a few times, but I declined each time (for various reasons, aka I've become a dating pussy).  And then, to my glorious surprise, he went out of town for over two months!  Woo hoo!!

While he was gone, we texted and he called a few times to chat (yes, he called!  What a miracle!  A guy who...calls!!).  It's hilarious how much social anxiety I felt when the phone rang and his name popped up on the caller ID...I forgot how to talk on the phone with a boy.  His texts made me laugh and talking on the phone was fun.  We seemed to be getting along great from a distance (my perfect kind of courtship...no touching).

Well, he got back.  AHHH!!!  Now the pressure is back on.  Touching might be involved.

I can't think thoughtfully about a guy when touching, kissing, etc. is involved - it f*cks with my thinking process.  Instead of, 'I feel great when I'm with him.  He's really sweet and thoughtful,' it turns into 'It feels great when he touches me.  He's really good with his hands and a great kisser.'  Not quite the same.

We went out on our first date.  I know, I know.  I said I wouldn't date, but I had to try it.  We met for coffee (both drank tea) and went to a comedy show.  We hung out with our own friends at the show and didn't talk at all.  It was perfect.

Just an hour of convo pre-show and then separate planets.  That's my kind of first date!  

Lots of distractions and other friends after the show...perfection.  No touching or kissing, just a simple hug goodbye.

Well, we went out on a second date.  This is usually the 'makeout, maybe a boob touch' date.  I'm not down for that.

I only have dates at 3rd party vendors.  

Keepin' the dates at public places is fantastic.  So, we watched the sunset at the bluffs, got some tea, talked for 2.5hrs and then went to see Wreck-it-Ralph.  Didn't have to do the fancy dinner nonsense or dressing up.  It was fun.  Good conversation.  A good mix of witty banter and legit get-to-know you honesty.

When he dropped me off, I got super nervous while we were in the car, so I gave him an awkward side hug, said I had a great time, got out of the car and basically ran to the front door.

I was such a weirdo!  I got so nervous.  I didn't want any physicality yet.  Too soon!

Due to my awkward sprint to the front door, I knew I had to let him know that I had fun, so I texted him, 'Had a great time tonight!'  He responded and said something sweet, so it's all good.

The next day, I felt a little weird about my weirdness, so I acknowledged my nervous side hug/sprint out of the car.  He said he understood and wanted to keep it PG anyway.  (sigh of relief)

Now the sh*t storm.  

The next date is supposed to be the 3rd date.  You know what that means...it's usually the boning date or at least the 'acknowledge you both have private parts' date.  YIKES!!  We haven't even kissed yet or held hands.  We've barely even had a lingering hug.

He texted: 'Next time, you want to come over to my place to watch a movie?'
What I read: 'Next time, want to bone?'

I panicked.  That is not my idea of a date, at all.  I know what 'I'll make you dinner at my place' and 'watch a movie at my place' really mean.  It means 'it's time to hookup.'  Sh*t balls!!

I politely texted back, 'I take things really slowly and it makes me nervous to go to your place.'

He texted, 'I don't take usually things slowly, but in this case, I'm traveling a lot, so I'm pro-really-slow.  I like getting to know you and I'm not interested in diving into anything...'

THANK GOODNESS I WAS HONEST UPFRONT.

The next date could have been the most awkward date ever!  Now, we'll see if he actually wants to get to know me or if he just wanted someone to hook up with before his next trip.

Either way, it's all good.

Not Getting Any Ass?

I think I have taken, 'let's take it slow' to a whole new level.

This guy, let's call him Mark, and I have been on three dates so far and have had nothing but an accidental leg touch, a cute 'I acknowledge you' bicep squeeze and a hug hello and a hug goodbye.  He has really, really taken my 'slowly' to heart and is being SO SWEET about it.  He's not even suggesting more at this point, and I am so grateful.  

He's invited me to hang out on multiple occasions, but I've been busy every time.  

I am definitely paying attention to the fact that he's texting me often and asking me to hang out with him and spend time with his friends.

I am also very aware that he doesn't get annoyed about my busy schedule.  

Side note: One guy who asked me out recently asked to meet up on a Sunday night.  Sunday night is my family night - we all cook dinner and eat together.  I told him that and he responded, 'Wow. You even have plans on a Sunday night.  You're high maintenance.'  Yup.  He's a winner.  He then backtracked and apologized for crossing the line.  The Universe is awesome and has made sure that I am busy every time he asks me out.  Thank you God.

I don't know if you remember the guy that I started this blog about - 'the guy who disappeared'.  Well, I am realizing how many lessons I learned from him.  

One of those lessons:  Only get together with a new guy once a week at most.  Maybe twice.  

Otherwise, you don't get to know them over time.  It ends up being a quick, 'Wow, I really, really know him.  We've hung out 10 times in 14 days.'  Wait.  You've only known him for 2 weeks.  You can't know who someone is when you've seen them in only one state of being.  It takes at least three months to kind of get a range on their emotional levels.  I learned that the hard way.

One thing that I'm really appreciating about Mark: He's patient, cool and willing to keep trying, even when he's not getting any ass.  That's pretty incredible.

So, back to the original story.  He invited me to his friend's house for a casual dinner party.  Usually, I would have attached my worth and my pride to how he treated the date and asked him to pick me up and drive me there, even though it's one block from his apartment.

It's old school.  And what I am realizing is that it's antiquated.  Plus, I want to be able to leave when I want.  And I want to keep it really casual...nothing formal and 'date-y'.

I met him at his place.  He hopped in my car and helped me find parking (total gentleman).  I brought chocolate chip cookies.  I dressed in a casual outfit (sweater, jeans and boots) and wore very little makeup.  I was ready to go.  

A piece to the story that I haven't added.  I don't drink alcohol or eat sugar or flour.  So, basically I can't eat at most dinner parties.  And my lack of drinking typically starts many conversations and questions. 

Once again, he was SUCH A GENTLEMAN.  He made sure I had Pellegrino.  He didn't pressure me to eat bacon wrapped dates or a chunk of cornbread or any desserts.  He respected my food and beverage life choices.  Very, very cool.  And he hasn't quizzed me about it.  He just respects it and lets it go.  I love that.

A woman at the party came up to me to ask if Mark and I were together.  I responded that we're getting to know each other, nothing official.  She said we're very cute together and should definitely date.  It was a very unexpected, yet much appreciated affirmation.  

His friends are AWESOME.  They are so welcoming and kind and hilarious.  I was kind of nervous, because Mark just ended a two year relationship a few months ago, so I know his friends all knew her and probably liked her.  I'm the new girl in town.  I don't know if I'm the only girl he's brought around since her, but I didn't feel that I was competing with anyone, which is awesome.  

It was a great night!  It ended early - we left around 10pm.  We're both like old people.  Home early, up early.  He walked me to my car.  He gave me a hug.  We parted ways.  We texted when I got home.   

I'm really starting to get a feel for him (and not physically).

I'm digging this new form of dating.  There is absolutely no confusion as to whether I like him or the way he touches or kisses me.  It takes a really special kind of guy to be down for this type of get-to-know-you process.

For me, the conversation and quality time are like taking a sip of water.  It's refreshing, it's honest, it's healthy.  It's peaceful.  Hooking up too soon is like taking a shot of vodka.  It's a rush, it's fun, it's exciting but it leaves you either wanting more or regretting your life choices.  It's chaotic.   

He left for another long trip, so we'll see if we talk or text while he's out of town.

The guy that 'disappeared' was an awesome communicator when he was in town and then went MIA when he was on business trips.  That sucked.  

I'm pretty lucky.  So far.

Alphas & Betas: Which Are You?

I am LOVING this concept of Alpha and Beta when it comes to dating and relationships.

Alpha: The do-ers.  The go-getters.  The in-your-face-ers.  The leaders.  The Type As.
Beta: The chill, behind-the-scenes peeps.  The 'I'll get it done, but on my own time' crowd.  Relaxed, casual, cool.  Not looking to take over the world, but will high-five the alpha who does.

I fully acknowledge that I'm Type A.  I'm an alpha.  I came out of the womb as an alpha (you can ask my mom and dad - they'll confirm it).  I even wore business suits in elementary school (I had a skirt suit with a blazer).  I think I even had an ascot and a broach at one point.

Now, the trick to this is that I have a tendency to attract fellow alphas.  We get each other.  We talk the same language.  We also have a tendency to motivate each other to the point of pushing each other off an emotional bridge by prodding each other to our limits.  It's almost like we challenge each other and try to one-up each other.  It's ugly.  But it's kind of fun.  The witty banter is incredible.  And they're typically really charismatic guys, which can be super sexy.  They are literally the worst for me emotionally.

I've realized that I like to play with alphas (text, flirt, date), but every serious relationship I've been in (total of three) has been with a beta.  

My first love wanted to be a high school golf coach and history teacher but instead chose to work for his family's company (he just got married & I hope he becomes a teacher - he'd be great at it).  One wanted to own his own bar (and now does in a college town with his wife).  And one was a male fitness model who gave up his dreams of acting.  These guys all made me realize that...

I need a beta with a purpose.  A beta with a clear dream and goal and the courage to pursue it.  A beta plus.

The guy who disappeared (he who shall not be named / inspiration for this blog) was a HARDCORE alpha.  He's a baller in his industry.  We would tell each other our schedules hour by hour for the week and determine the one night that we were both available.  On our dates, we talked about what we accomplished that week, the capacity of the mind and other deep f'ing questions all the time.  It was intense.

I think we even spent one date cuddling while watching a TED talk.

When he quizzed me on my memorization skills, I got off the phone thinking, 'What the f*ck am I doing?'  That's an awesome feeling when you're dating someone.   Fun Fact: He re-quizzed me at my birthday dinner to see how much information I retained.

It was SO empty for me.  I left a lot of conversations missing something - feeling a little empty.  

And I started questioning myself.  Am I doing enough?  Am I enough?  What am I doing with my life?  Every moment of confidence I had seemed to be drained away whenever we discussed our 'accomplishments'.  It always had to be bigger and better.  It sucked.

I can only be friends with alphas.  I can't date them.  We would never see each other.  We wouldn't make time for each other.  It would be exhausting.  Always one-upping each other and not celebrating each other's success.  Always on our own pages, our own journeys, occasionally meeting up at stop signs or a quick meal.

I currently have an alpha man-friend in my life.  I'm not totally sure his interests are in being friends, but for right now that's where we're at.  He is a super alpha.  He asked me about my plans for the weekend, and when I told him, he said, 'wow. busy.' and then added, 'I was being sarcastic.'

REALLY?!?  That's all I need.  Someone to push me to take any quiet time I have and make me feel guilty for it.  Yikes.  I'm a recovering perfectionist for goodness sakes!

I also realize that as an alpha female, I might not have a traditional role in a relationship.  I might be the business woman mom and he might be a work from home dad.  (This is all dependent on whether I get married and have children).  I'm not sure an alpha woman is content, fulfilled and happy as a stay-at-home mom - seems there's a high probability of being resentful (but this is probably case-by-case).

Betas are an incredible balance for me.  They keep me grounded.  They ask me to just chill out and enjoy having quiet time.  It's just that when a beta doesn't have clear goals, they are floating.

My alpha-ness cannot handle a floating beta.  It's ugly.

So, I'm much much more open to betas than I previously was, even though they might be less thrilling and exciting.  They bring me peace which is better than any rush.

When a nice beta plus comes to my door, I'll gladly welcome them in...at least for a first date.

Recent Encounters

It seems that three necessary ingredients to a conversation with a guy are: 

1) Being alone in a public place.
2) Making eye contact.
3) Smiling.

I've had some fun 'random' encounters recently.

Driving Like an Asshole
I was driving like an asshole.  I pulled up to a stop sign, got ahead of myself, pulled too far forward and blocked the way for a pedestrian of the male persuasion.  He paused, I gave the 'I'm sorry, I'm an asshole' wave, he tried to walk behind my car, I smiled, he paused again...and boom.  That's all it took.

He then said, 'Mind if we try that again?' and me, very open to hilarious experiences, said 'yes', reversed about 15ft and pulled back up to the stop sign appropriately.  He started laughing.  I was laughing.  He walked up to my window.  He was cute and had a bright smile and a twinkle in his eye.

And that's what started our conversation.

I ended up creepily driving next to him as he walked to his parking spot so I could grab it.  We exchanged contact information, both decided it would be fun to meet up again, and I got a text from him later that day.

The funniest part of the story is that I looked him up on IMDB (a database of everyone in the TV/movie business) (he was on his way back from an audition), and it turns out that one of my best friends worked with him on one of his projects.  Oh, LA is such a small world.

I've gotten a text or two from him, but no plans have been made.  We shall see.

Innocent at Starbucks
Starbucks might as well be called CoffeeMatch.com.  It's a fantastic place to meet people who are alone, bored and open to having any interaction with a human after staring at their laptop for hours.

I've been going to the same Starbucks for over 2 years.  It's a 'home away from home.'  When I first moved back to LA from Chicago, I had just quit my corporate job and wasn't quite sure where to start with my new career, so I pretty much lived at Starbucks and read by myself or had my laptop and wrote...by myself.

Being alone and having the willingness to smile at strangers is a huge opportunity to meet people, including single guys.

There was a guy who was also at Starbucks all the time.  We would see each other there and around town but never really talked - just some small talk here and there.

Well, out of nowhere, after two years of running into each other at Starbucks, the grocery store, the street, restaurants, etc., we saw each other at a car wash, and something changed.  He said I looked great (nothing about me has really changed since the last time we saw each other, and I wasn't wearing any makeup...I might have brushed my hair), and wanted to get my contact info.  Mind you, he's had my contact info for 2yrs.

He has been texting with me ever since that random encounter, determined to go on a date with me.  I have no idea what changed, what switch was flipped, but he decided it's time to go on a date with me.

He tried to get together with me for a month, consistently texting me thoughtful, sweet messages and invitations to meet up.  Every opportunity, I was already busy.  Finally, he asked me to lunch, and I was available.

I didn't want to go out to eat (trying to be healthy and vegan-ish), so I asked if we could change it up to coffee (and it's way more comfortable on my home turf at Starbucks).  He was cool with that, so we met up and talked for an hour.

It was comfortable and fun.  Great conversation.  He walked me to my car, said he wants to meet up again, hopefully sooner than a month from now, and we went our separate ways.

I haven't heard from him since.

Elementary Love at Starbucks...in a Vons
Yes, I'm serious.  I was picking out apples at a Vons after a full day of cleaning (so I looked extra sexy...ripped up leggings, dirty white vneck shirt, no makeup, messed up bun/ponytail thing, rocking a zit on my chin sans cover-up, basically pure sexy), and I heard a familiar voice but chose to ignore it (I was on a mission to get my apples and get the f*ck out of there).  I even chose this Vons knowing that I wouldn't run into anyone there.

The familiar voice was attached to a handsome man.  But, once again, knowing that I looked like a dirty, questionable mess, I said 'f*ck it' to myself and kept picking out apples.  But, wouldn't you know it, we made eye contact.  I tried to ignore it and walked away to find my friend who I had gone to the store with.

Just as I was about to walk away, my intuition stopped me.

Intuition: Go see if it's him.
Ego: No.  I look like a mess.  And, it's not him.
Intuition: GO!!!
Ego: No! (pause) FINE!!! Ugh.

I paused, got my sh*t together, and walked over.  Sure enough, it was him!  My crush from elementary school.  Perfect.  

I said 'hi', he looked at me, smiled and gave me a huge hug.  It was really nice.  I introduced him to my friend, who was wearing a Twilight tshirt and sweats (we looked so hot).

I just couldn't believe how nice he was.  All smiles.  Asked me what's new.  A bit of small talk.  And then my friend and I went on our way.

Of course, now I was curious.  I kept thinking, should I go back and talk to him?  Would he have asked for my number if he wanted it?  SHOOT!  One of the key ingredients to getting asked out is being alone.

So, when I got home, I did some detective work (aka stalking).  I asked a mutual friend for my crush's email address.  I emailed him the next day.  He seemed happy to hear from me (didn't ask how I got his email address, thank goodness!).

We have coffee plans next week!  I have no idea what his relationship status is, but next time we hang out, I won't be rocking leggings with a hole in the crotch.

Boom.  Magic is happening.  Or I'm a weirdo.  

YOU Just Want to be Friends?!

'I just want to be friends' is MY line.

And it got thrown back in my face last night by a hot dude.

Eating that line was like eating a big ol' plate of raw kale: Tasted like sh*t.  Hard to swallow.  Yet healthy.  Good ol' humble pie.  Ugh.

I've known this guy for a really long time - like 12yrs.  We became friends the first two years and didn't talk for 10yrs.  Just reconnected this year.  We talked and hung out a lot for the first 2 months and didn't talk at all for the last 6 months.  At least we have a pattern.

We got together last night for the first time in 7 months.  He mentioned wanting to get together a week ago and I threw out a last minute invite to meet up.  It worked out.  We went to my neighborhood, empty Starbucks (I f*ing LOVE Starbucks. This one and I have a lot of history with dating.) and talked and laughed and caught up for two hours.  It was great.

Well, it WAS great until I asked a question...

Why do you want to be friends with me?

I always hear how guys don't want to be friends with girls unless they get to hook up with them or date them.  So, why is this guy spending time with me?  I'm on a bit of an 'honesty kick' right now, no matter how awkward the conversations get.

He answered very thoughtfully.  He likes spending time with me and talking to me and thinks I'm fun.  He enjoys my company.  He doesn't have the time or energy to invest in a relationship.  He doesn't want to date anyone right now.

I listened with a smile on my face, fully engrossed in his words.  Then I paused, took it all in, and...

Wait.  That means he doesn't want to date me.  Excuse me?!

That's not how this is supposed to go!  He's supposed to want to date me and then I say, 'I just want to be friends.'  Nope.  This hot guy doesn't want to date anyone, including me.  Well, sh*t.

That's what that feels like.  Ok.  The ego is a lil' bitch - it doesn't like to get rejected.

Now, the question is...can I be friends with him?

He asked me why I want to be friends with him.  I didn't expect the question to be thrown back in my face.  So, I answered honestly.  'You're smart.  I enjoy talking to you about business.  I'm attracted to you (couldn't look at him while I said that).  You make me nervous (pretty sure my cheeks turned blazing red with embarrassment).  It's hard to be friends with you because you make it hard to trust you - you tend to go missing or unresponsive to text messages. (this is when I emotionally curled up in the fetal position)  I like that we can have chill time together without having to go anywhere.  I have fun with you.

So, that happened.

The conversation was actually the most honest and vulnerable conversation I've had with a guy I'm attracted to in a while.  I just put it out there.  I felt a little 'emotionally naked' afterwards, but I'm really glad I kept it real.

Now, I just have to listen.

He doesn't want a girlfriend (maybe for years).  He doesn't want a girlfriend.  He doesn't want a girlfriend.  He doesn't want to date anyone, including me.

I have to ask myself...

1) Do I want to be friends with him?
2) Can I be friends with him without complicating the friendship with my attraction to him?
3) Can I let him just be a chill friend without adding the weight of liking him to the friendship?

I saw him today and was so nervous that my hand was shaking.  That's not like me to be nervous with a guy!

So far, I'd have to say the answer to those questions is...no.

It is all to be determined...

Getting to Know Someone is Free

I'm becoming more open to dating as time goes on.  

I'm keeping it really casual, really laid-back.  I just can't do the fancy dinners and formality anymore.

I want to get to know someone, really get to know them, and it's hard to do when you're thinking about what fork to use and whether you should order one course, two courses or say f*ck it and just eat dessert.

I'm sticking to coffee, tea and free.  

Getting to know someone is free.  You don't have to pay any money to have an honest, authentic and fun conversation.  I find that the less a date costs, the more authentic and comfortable the conversation tends to be. 

The amount of money that the meal costs does not equate to how much I'm worth or how much he cares about me.  

The last 'expensive' date I went on was with 'the one who disappeared', and my favorite part of the whole date was walking.  Just walking.  Walking and talking.  That part was free.  And it was the best. We held hands, we got to know each other.  It was so simple.

Recently, I went on a date where we just sat on a bench and watched the sunset and talked.  It was perfect.  No agenda and no expectations.  Afterwards, we got coffee and talked for 2 hours.  

We didn't have to be anywhere but present.

Another guy I've been talking to and spending time with keeps suggesting that we go to dinner, but I just ask for his time. 

Time is the only asset that is not renewable.  It is by far the most precious resource of all.  For me, when someone gives me their time and attention, they show that they value me.  

An expensive dinner with a guy who checks his phone throughout the meal or has to be done with the date by 10pm shows me he's willing to give me his money, which he can earn more of tomorrow.  

My Priorities:

1) Does he show up?

2) Does he show up on time?

3) Does he text me back in a timely manner (or at all)?

4) Does he call when he says he will?

5) Does he make time for me?

Of course, getting dressed up and eating fancy food and being treated like royalty is fun.  I'm all about it, but I will never use the price of the meal as a gauge to determine if a man gives a sh*t about me.  

Honestly, if he brings me my favorite flowers (not the most expensive ones) and takes me to the place with THE BEST BUTTERNUT SQUASH SOUP or ROASTED ROOT VEGETABLES (I f*ing LOVE those),  that would show me:

1) He knows what I like.

2) He's listening.

3) He wants to make me smile.

When I found out that 'the one who disappeared' had his assistant plan his dates at the fancy restaurants, I knew that he wasn't listening.  He was doing what he did with every girl.  Same routine, different girl.   Who knows?  Maybe he even took us all to the same restaurants.  

I'm not even embarrassed.  

He was really good at making a girl feel special.  They all are.  He even had me look at the directions to the restaurant on his phone and gave me the security code, which was supposed to make me feel like he trusted me, and I, in turn, could trust him.  I wouldn't be surprised if he pulls that move with every date and just changes the code once he drops her off.  

The fancy ones have it down to a science.  

F*ck fancy (for now).  I want honest. 

Side note: Fancy restaurants usually don't serve very much food, so you end up hungry and starved for fun conversation.  Ugh.